Eighty Two

So thats it so far....

Everything below is my handiwork.

An expression of my moment.

Please feel to comment, though I ask that you are honest but respectful.

Thank you for taking the time to read and I hope that you find something below that makes you come back.

Take Care,

Riggs
x

Around you I'm two people.

The one you see lives on the surface.

She's the one you trust, the one you like, who makes you laugh.

The other lies below.

Look deep into my eyes and you'll see her.

She cares not a bit for how you feel.

She just wants you for her own pleasures.

Deep inside, I keep her contained.

Its not a side of me you want to see.

I feel her coming to the surface.

Trying to switch places and I push her back down.

If I let her surface, she'll strike.

Take what she wants, leave you lying there.

Breathless.

Exhausted.

Spent.

She will use you up and walk away.

Then the other has to clean up and apologise.

Its a battle.

One you're not even aware of.

You are blissfully ignorant of the instinctive lust you provoke.

No idea what you've awakened in me.

My demon slumbered peacefully, soundly until you.

Now she rages.

Against my chest.

Bellowing for freedom.

To be released...

To taste you, explore you, know every inch of your glorious body.

I keep the gate locked even though I dont want to.

I have no idea how you will react.

Maybe though, it will all be too much.

My demon will overwhelm me...

And devour you.

The future is a gaping black hole into which my present is disappearing and no one knows where it goes.

Some say its a blank canvas.

Waiting for me to paint my masterpiece.

If thats the case, show me to my easel.

Or more importantly, my inspiration.

It stretches ahead of me, the lonely desert road, on which anything can happen.

Despite the 360 panorama, you still don't see it coming.

Careering into you, leaving nothing but wreckage on your highway.

No tow truck in sight, you start to gather the pieces and remember when they all fit together.

Fix it or replace it, but you must choose.

You must keep going.

The loud tick tock resounds in your head.

Every heartbeat is another second passing!

Once I knew where I was going, once I had a travelling companion.

Now no direction, no company.

Sadly liberated I am.

Joyous at my new found freedom, forlorn at the loss of warmth and safety.

As time would have me do, I march on.

Try not to look back, to see it all shrinking behind me.

To know I'm leaving it all behind tears at my heart.

I don't want to forget, but I can't survive in a world built of memories.

I follow the painted white lines, pushing forward.

Excited at what may lay over the next crest in the road.

I find people and places to stop and pass the time with, but still I need to press on.

Marching forward, leaving more and more behind.

Putting enough distance between myself and the wreckage to allow myself to heal.

The new rhythm I have found is oddly comforting.

Trance like, I walk on.

Waiting for a signpost to show me my next destination.

How can two things in the same place behave so differently?

Less than a foot apart, but for all intents and purposes, in different orbits.

My head and my heart.

A contest of logic and lust.

Both capable of stopping the other in its tracks.

Of assuming control of the body them are in.

Like the flick of a switch, one picks up where the other left off.

Yet harmony is possible.

Protecting each other unknowingly, unwittingly.

Maybe they do know.

An unspoken agreement that runs in your blood.

As one pumps the lust around, the other controls the limbs filled with passion.

Its a system of sorts.

It works.

Mostly.

Except...

When the tension is too much.

Electricity snaps and sparks.

Cold showers of logic can no longer douse the flames.

The mind swims with images of lust, drowning in passion.

Silenced into submission by the furious beating of a heart that knows what it wants.

A fresh page in so many ways.

Yet, there are indentations, from the page before.

Marks left by those who went ahead.

I am who I am because of it.

And it feels great.

Following with my hearts lead.

Not scared nor fearful.

Love is no longer my enemy.

I embrace it as my life source.

Addicted to the passion that infects my brain, acting on desires and intincts.

Disengaging my mind.

No thought.

Focused on my wants.

Indulging every delicious feeling.

Butterflies.

Tingles.

Goosebumps.

And that grin, seeming stretch permanently across my face.

It feels real.

Like truth.

Not perfect.

Great and raw.

A want not a need.

I'm hungry for her.

Passion burns for her.

Consumed by the flames and every nerve is alive at the thought of her touch.

I don't question.

No fear of the pain.

My heart beats for her, accept it.

Embrace and enjoy it.

For if it breaks, I know I will not.

Well, well, well.

I've done it again.

Its all over.

The end has come, never mind nigh.

And it was I who brought it about.

Digging out from the depths of my emotional coma.

Enough is enough.

Give me my freedom.

Give me my independence.

I will choose how I live.

Not governed by your moods or schedule.

When you wan to start a brood.

Free to speak, to sing....to do as I please.

With whom I please, might I add!

Not answerable to your whims.

The price I pay is that of friendship.

You've fallen from grace with me, but now you wrest away my friendships?

I will not engage in a power struggle for those people.

Starting afresh.

New people, without divided loyalties.

People unswayed by your ability to stage a drama and hold the attention.

Time to start again.

All is fair in love and war.

The endless struggle.

One battle defeat conceded.

Their truimph momentary.

My honour in defeat touched her.

Softened her for an instant.

And she let me fall.

No ache when I wake.

Contentment, peace and all consuming happiness.

Surely it cannot last.

One act will suffice to betray me.

So many ways in which she in perfection.

So many times better than me.

Only years older, but decades wiser.

My educator for this ear.

How long will she rest with me?

Before she seeks better.

If she lies with me, the enemy.

Is there anywhere she won't lie.

If you are the bitch they say you are, then you are good.

You got me.

I got you.

In my bloodstream.

In my head.

Crawling beneath the surface.

Making my skin itch.

You made all the right moves, said all the right things.

And you kissed me with an intensity even I couldn't miss.

You played me like I play them and this abrupt 180 has fucked me up.

I want you.

Me and my ego think we can have you.

And why the fuck shouldn't we?

I'm already paying the price for your need, facing the consequences of your fucking actions!

Not mine. Yours!

What was it?

You can tell me...

Boredom?

Horniness?

Power?

Those reasons I could understand.

But what if you said is true?

You are gay.

Then its the saddest thing I've ever heard.

You bailed on who you are.

Because its lonley.

Hard.

You're an accidental straight.

He will never do it for you like I can.

He can never set you free.

Realise yourself, find your wings.

Follow you soul, the body will come.

Know who you are.

Don't be afraid.

I will be there.

Right here, right now is where I needed you.

You tore my heart out and I was supposed to deal with it.

I didn't.

It nearly killed me.

You.

You nearly killed me.

I gave you so much and it wasn't enough.

And now what have you got?

Heartache and pain.

You never suffered like that with me.

You always knew where you stood.

You still do.

That's why you come down here...

Creeping into my world.

Because you're scared of yours.

I protect you here, I take it all away.

I fuck you like no one has before.

You come because you need me.

You need what I've got.

I gave you what you needed and you say "I can't. Not now."

What?

Am I not convenient now?

I don't earn enough?

I don't fuck you over enough?

Or is it just because you are all that I want?

You play me every which way, you know we can never be friends.

That line is far behind us now.

We've got too much between us.

Lust, need, safety, truth and Love.

Don't let yourself forget me.

Don't let me walk away.

You'll always wonder.

Just so you know...

It was.

I always wondered what if would be like to start there and work my way back.

I want to see the moment I die and fit together the pieces that led to my demise.

I've imagined it a thousand different ways.

How would I die?

Who will discover me?

Tell my parents?

Tell my friends?

The people I passed?

Who will react and how?

Will I suddenly become a saint, good person, student and friend?

Would I be "outed" in death?

Would the horrible truth of me be revealed?

I plan to be the centre of attention when it happens.

Throughout the impact, aftermath and mouring of Riggs.

So do I count the days?

Work, rest and play...

And count?

Or do I count on love?

Rough, unreliable, rude, brusque love.

Or do I count the days?

An orange glow bathes the cobbles.

A crisp, cold wind buffets the old city.

Buildings loom large in the darkness.

Hard concrete wards off the uninvited.

In the shadows the unknown waits.

Yet it lets many pass.

Shrouded, cloaked in mystery, it moves on.

Relentless.

Driven by the fates.

But who's?

Your or mine?

Its emotive power is felt by all.

Not understood or seen, feared and anticipated.

We wait as the shape of the path is carved ahead.

For us to follow.

I will walk with you.

We will walk into the night.

And emerge in fair day.

To prove that it may be done.

Never to be undone.

We shall forever know we walked together.

Stood as one.

And striding on, we were victorious.

Its complicated.

Its always complicated.

I saw you, I liked you.

We talked and we danced.

We drank and we walked.

Your hand in mine, life stories told, amusing anecdotes swapped.

I felt something stir in me that was missing presumed dead.

Exciting and new and I want to seize it in both hands...

But I can't.

You're involved.

You have someone.

Foundations are built.

All you offer is friendship and I did, I thought I was fine with that.

I'm not.

My body is on fire, you and I dance, you against me, we move together and there it is.

In your eyes.

I saw it.

Feelings reflected.

Yet it is a case of deny, deny, deny.

All I feel is the urge to take you in my arms and hold you safe, to take your breath away with my kiis.

I can't.

She has you.

And I have as much as I am gifted.

Is that the pull?

The draw?

I can't have you and thats just what I want.

A mind in turmoil, heart conflicted.

See but dont touch.

Touch but dont kiss.

Kiss but dont love.

It feels so wrong.

I take what I want but I wont this time.

Friendship Vs Love.

All I know is I want you in my life.

Though I pray I'll make you mine.

I only ever see you from a distance.

Even when I'm sat right next to you.

You'll never notice the effect you have on me.

I keep telling myself it's just a little 'crush'.

Its not.

You're everywhere, in my mind, body and life.

I spend alot of time gazing upon your face.

I dont understand your attractiveness, maybe its your beauty.

Maybe its your body.

It might as likely be your mind and spirit.

But I'm stuck here.

I can't move and its fair and its right but still...

Still I try to reach out and touch you.

I need to move back and away.

To a distance greater than my desire.

I am no fool.

I don't call it love in confusion.

I know.

I know what the prescence within me is.

It is a dark emotion.

The want of lust.

The obssession of passion.

Its merely a dance we do, stepping around each other.

One leading, one following but neither knowing which.

You are my dark secret, my object of passion and I gaze on you with lust.

My soul does not seek yours.

Our sensuality is what drives us.

I crave the touch of your skin to mine.

Your lips against my lips and our energy focused.

One night of lustful abandon for a lifetimes satisifaction.

People are people.

Nature dictates.

Pyschology observes.

Always motives.

Not always clear.

Dig a little deeper, I invite you.

You may find what everyone else is looking for in you.

The mirror can't, and won't, tell you what it is.

Locked deep in your subconcious, is your event.

Your incident.

The very thing that shapes your thoughts, your views, your perspective...

Your very rationale.

You may not feel the shifts occur.

The slow shudder of tectonic plates.

The mind alters and we are changed.

That is life.

Moments and connection that will change your perception of reality until you see it no more.

Your absence is the hardest thing in my life.

For so many years, I was so close.

As close as could be.

I wanted you so badly that my mind was spinning, heart banging hard against my ribcage.

But once I got close, there was little I could do about it.

There was nothing and nowhere for us to go.

I was in love.

You were curious.

I was supposedly older and wiser.

You were young and inexperienced.

It was all the right feelings at all the wrong times.

But allow me to defend myself.

I wasn't alone in this.

You were responsible too.

I didn't just act on my own emotions.

I acted on the 'something' between us.

Yet, you took the moral high ground and I...

I was cast into your cold dark shadow.

And here I lie.

Still very much in love with you.

Praying for those short glimpses of our profile or the movement of your hair as you twist.

All I have left after two deep dark years is the thought of hope.

I refuse to give up on you.

I long to hear your voice.

Read your words.

And feel your skin on mine once more.

They're matching your steps,

Aren't they?

They stop when you do,

Don't they?

But of course you can't hear it.

Their footsteps are a perfect mirror of yours.

Its all in your head.

Isnt' it?

They've got a point though, who'd want to follow you?

Follow you through the dark night.

Down the road.

Over the crossing.

Through the menancing shadows of the park.

Leaves rustle.

Twigs snap.

You stare madly and blindly in all directions, for a glimpse of what the mind sees.

So clear.

Are they there?

They've followed you for years and done nothing...

Maybe they'll leave you alone if you stop worrying about it.

Or maybe thats what they want you to think?

Light leads you wherever you go.

Looking out to the horizon that disappears ahead.

Do you know where you're going?

Do you know where you've been?

Do you know where you started?

Does anyone know why?

And for what?

For love?

For family?

What do you what from life?

What does life what from you?

I have what I need.

Or do I?

Maybe I just don't know.

I'd like to get lost on an island or just in my head, in someones soul or the arms of embrace.

To sit in reflection and quiet meditation.

If I take this path..

Right here, right now.

Will I get where I'm going?

I follow the light and see where it goes.

There are always words to say exactly how I feel.

They tell the tale of my most delicious of desires, darkest of passions and deepest of fears.

Always words, does the action lack?

From the top of the mountain, I shout.

Nothing left to say, so much to show you.

You said "I will" but the ring on your finger speaks louder.

Let me show you...

Let my lips meet yours, flooding you with emotion, tasting your heartbeat.

Giving you mine.

More said in that moment than in a lifetime of words.

Let my ring show you the way, show you the strength and security of arms.

Let my kiss seal my vow forever.

The autummn is coming, you can feel the crisp edge to the air.

We're ready for the next installment of life and you just never know what you're going to get.

But we know we're cool.

Problematic that others dont.

I'm sorry, you cant come in unless you conform.

So children...here are the rules of life...

Go with the crowd, never ever veer from the norm and for God's sake, do not assert your individuality in the face of society for all to mock!

Do this and you will be accepted...

Part of the herd.

Its what we all want deep down.

I mean, who wants forrays into the nights dark alleys and sideways slips into petty criminality, just for the kicks!

Not us, I hear the masses cry!

So we're not like you, its ok.

You're making us look good.

It them or us, what'll it be?

A life like everyone elses, or one of your very own?

Does anyone deserve the truth?

Does anyone ever tell the truth?

I mean, honestly, whats a little lie between you and I?

So I tell you I love you and the things that you do.

When as a matter of fact...

I cant stand them!

But I know if I was to tell you, then there'd be a fight.

Who knows if we'd heal again?

So you see my friend, life is a lie.

If it wasn't you'd be able to answer why?

Count on love, count on death and of course count on taxes.

But if I lie and tell you why...

Where will you be and what will you do?

To say I love you conveys the wrong meaning.

To tell you that you're like family seems not enough.

So I try to show you Icare about you and all that you hold dear.

By standing beside me through all of the storms.

By holding me tight when I need it the most.

Loving me like you've known me all your life.

You with, I'm me and how I long for the day we can be free.

I trust you.

I care for you deeply, but most of all...

I just really like you.

Strange conversations and random events.

Without you, my life is a little darker, a little sadder and far too normal for anyones good.

You are the best man I know, I am proud to be your buddy and all round chum...

After all, its been nothing but fun!

Never lie to me.

Do not bullshit me.

I know you better than you think.

Play your poker face and I will call your bluff.

You talk, I begin to anger.

And when the inane words don't stop falling from you, it turns to rage.

You call yourself my friend and still you lie.

Don't.

I am too strong for you.

I will leave you cold in my shadow.

One day, with a careless moment, I will look back and you will be naught but a speck on the horizon of my past.

I trusted you and you abused that.

Its over now.

You are at a distance and come what may, the fact that you lied will reside with me like a criminal record haunts the rehabilitated thief.

Too many chances have I given, too many times was I spurned.

Live your life and regret.

I will rise up and over you and the jealousy, rage and envy will be yours.

Pigheaded pride blocked your path to redemption.

I hope you find the stupid, tolerant and patient of our species, for you...

You are too little a person for I.

As I sit and look upon your face, I see the layers fall.

Your features become clear.

It is not truth, but your reality bared, exposed.

Secure in you, warmth envelopes me.

This feeling invades me and my body gives itself over to you.

Flooding my veins, my heart soon fills...

Beating with yours.

Permeating the defences around my soul, we merge.

Your eyes say you understand.

A smile.

The air crackles around us with the connection, a bond that can never be reversed.

This is our moment, pure and untainted.

Will there be more or will the end draw close?

To soon and to fast for us to see?

Hatred stirs my emotions.

I look into your face and I feel revulsion.

You drove me to the brink of madness and as I stand here on the edge, I hear the call of logic and reason.

You are saved by mine own good grace.

I breathe deeply and walk away, and yet...still you taunt me.

Always wanting the last word.

Well, I should be the bigger person...

Fuck being bigger.

I want to destroy you and all that you love.

To tear through your life like a rhino on a rampage.

Once I've finished there will be nothing but my prints all over the wreckage of what you pathetically called life.

Have you ever taken a risk?

Opened your heart to the maddeningly intense emotions that pounded through me right now?

Your insular little world is a bubble I am about to burst.

Is your spoilt little ego ready for the harsh unrelenting strip lights of the real world?

I thought not.

I can love because I can hate.

Even now as I rain the blows against your face, you cant unleash the fury to strike me back.

Passive and cowed, you dust off the hurt I cause and limp on with the mockery of your life.

I return.

To my world, where chaos reigns.

I long for clarity.

It seems a simple thing, yet it evades me at every turn.

I just want to be able to understan myself.

Is that too much to ask?

With alien emotions and cold thoght, I wish to know why, but it never comes.

An explaination of the workings of the mind cannot help me unlock the mysteries within.

I can feel them.

I can describe their colour and the language I need to express myself is burning on my retina.

Like the light shone brightly in your eyes.

And still nothing.

I long for clarity amongst the murky depths of my mind.

Where I feel my way, clumsily.

If I could make it all clear...

I could see the joins, the cracks...

But the fact of the matter is a lack of clarity is costing me dear.

I can't think to speak, to write, to love.

Yet these things I do, without focus.

Give me clarity, give me vision, give me a world to behold.

Creak. Groan. Hiss.

I lowered myself into the chair, rested my feet on the steel step and removed my glasses.

Instruction given, I close my eyes.

Click. Buzz.

And so it begins, metal dragged through my thick dark hair, every flourish of the wrist showering the floor.

His touch is strong, deft, and subtle.

I hear him dance around me.

Slow, quick, quick, slow.

The motion repeats, he circles me.

Some strokes slow and deliberate, others swift and impetuous.

Catching me at the crown, he swirls through my mane, feeling it fall.

Considering his next move.

Silver flashes and snips, he steps away.

Considers again.

Buzz. Click.

Now his fingers are running through my hair, testing the length of each strand.

Tilting my head this way and that, checking the lines…

Cut here. Cut there.

Bristles and talc brush me down, an admiring glance is encouraged.

Business is settled, I take my leave.